


sucker for pain

by onceuponasnowbarry



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Canon, F/M, Feelings, Feels, Help, KillerFrost, SnowBarry - Freeform, Snowallen, TheFlashS3, Tumblr: snowbarryweek, Worry, becomingofkillerfrost, flashfrost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-27
Updated: 2016-10-27
Packaged: 2018-08-27 07:41:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8392975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onceuponasnowbarry/pseuds/onceuponasnowbarry
Summary: Caitlin Snow had a routine.Three simple steps, hit on repeat. It was an ongoing process, one that had to be adjusted slightly in light of some new... complications.Because, really, it wasn't that simple anymore. None of these steps were, when she accidentally froze things she touched and her breath occasionally came out in white fumes.Even so, she couldn't help bending the rules one more time.She bit her lip, clenching her fists. The logical part of her mind chanted at her, don't do it, don't do it, don't..."Guys? Hello?" Barry asked from the mirror. His eyebrows knit together and his expression reflected how alone and isolated he felt. A pang hit her chest and she chewed her lip until it felt raw. Don't do i-...She walked down to behind the mirror, clenching her fists once more, her heart pounding. She knew the consequences. She knew what would happen if she did this.However, it didn't take much thought at all to come to a decision.Don't-Raising trembling hands, she released the frost. 3x04 "Mirror Master" Canon. (In which Caitlin saves Barry, but he doesn't know it.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> This reflects how I felt for Caitlin when I saw last night's episode. Heartbreaking!  
> Contains spoilers for 3x04 below. 
> 
> Enjoy!

 

 

**⥂♫⥃**

  **martyr**  
ˈmɑːtə/  
_noun  
_ sufferer

⥂♫⥃

Caitlin Snow had a routine.

Eat. (To stay alive.)

Work. (To feel alive.)

Sleep. (To take a break from being alive.)

Three simple steps, hit on repeat. It was an ongoing process, one that had to be adjusted slightly in light of some new...  _complications_.

Because, really, it wasn't that simple anymore. None of these steps were, when she accidentally froze things she touched and her breath occasionally came out in white fumes.

Things had to be altered, changed. Eating was a struggle, she had to heat her meals for twice as long as before, making them scorching before she popped them in her mouth and savoured the quick warmth before it tasted chilled and her chews felt like crunching ice. Sleep was okay, as long as she wore gloves before bed. Sometimes she'd wake up, feeling nauseous and clammy against her sheets and the urge to throw up. This was the after effect, the consequence of suppressing her powers. To dig her nails into her fist until she managed to force the frost away, back into the depths of her soul (or wherever they went). They would overwhelm her in her weakest moments, typically when she was off guard in REM sleep, dreaming about another day, another life. One where Star Labs had a stellar reputation again and there was Harry in Team Flash and in the mornings Barry would softly kiss her hello-

and then she would wake up, covered in a thin sheen of sweat, her hands shaking uncontrollably. The gloves were coated with ice, and she would whip them off to find layers upon layers of frost coming out of her hands. On good nights, it would disappear after a few moments upon awakening, and it would take her some time to sleep again, but on the bad nights, which had been occurring more, recently, it would exit from her skin into the air and coat her ceiling, sneak into every nook and crack until the wall above had become armoured with a thin reflective surface. She could see herself, weak and trembling on the bed. 

She wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. 

The episodes would range from approximately two to thirty minutes. Due to this, she was now sleep deprived, throwing her off balance when she came to work.

_Work._

The adjustment for work had been more than little. 

She was forced to constantly be careful, sneaking glances at her hands every few minutes, breathing with her mouth closed. There had been some close calls, times where Cisco had shivered and asked her if she'd turned the thermostat down to torture him. She said yes, and then proceeded to go to the kitchen and pour boiling water over her ice-coated hands. 

But she had adapted. She found a way to keep it a secret, found out the code. As long as she didn't use her powers, the process decelerated. The more she suppressed, the less physical signs showed. There were a few hairs that had turned white, but they were easy to pull out when hidden. Her lips hadn't changed, and neither did her eyes or skin. As long as she didn't use them, she was given an episode or two a week and a few white locks. 

She found this out when she had used them once to chill her fridge when she had a power outage. She had sprayed frost over the surface, preserving the cold, and she could see off the reflective surface as a thicker lock than usual turned white.

So she understood what she had to do. Don't use, don't change. Conceal, don't feel. They would figure it out eventually, her friends, but until then, the thought of helping Barry save Central city was enough to keep her warm.

Until it wasn't.

Because something bad had to happen, didn't it? First Ronnie, then Jay, then Barry getting stuck. In a  _mirror_.

She wasn't clear on the details, only really hearing Jesse blame herself (which she was sure wasn't true), before Wally went to go comfort her and tell her otherwise. Until then, her, Cisco, and Harry would come up with something to help Barry.

And they did. After thirty minutes of toying around with an idea and improvising, they created a machine using Captain Cold's old gun. They turned it on, connecting it to the laptop and the mirror, watching the temperature go down, down, down...

Until it stopped at 280ºF.

The mood plummeted as the ice from the machine only coated a good two thirds of the mirror, and Barry failed to phase out. Then the meta human alert app dinged, forcing everyone to go back in to the cortex.

If it wasn't one thing, it was another. 

Everyone evacuated, leaving Caitlin as she checked the temperature one more time.

Still 280º.

She bit her lip, clenching her fists. The logical part of her mind chanted at her,,  _Don't do it, don't do it, don't..._

 _"Guys? Hello?_ " Barry asked from the mirror. His eyebrows knit together and his expression reflected how alone and isolated he felt in the mirror. A pang hit her chest and she chewed her lip until it felt raw. 

_Don't do i-..._

She walked down to behind the mirror, clenching her fists once more, her heart pounding. She knew the consequences. She  _knew_ what would happen if she did this.

However, it didn't take much thought at all to come to a decision.

_Don't-_

Raising trembling hands, she released the frost.

It only took three seconds for the ice to fully cover the mirror and lower the temperate to below 350ºF, enough for Barry to phase out.

She should have went back to the cortex, acted like everything was normal and she didn't just sign her own death warrant. But she waited.

She watched as Barry tried to phase out after a few more moments, successful this time. She heard his sounds of disbelief, then a relieved laugh, bringing a small smile to her lips.

Then she watched him stride out, and hurried to follow.

The team turned around in unison as they saw Barry, their selective attention on him as Caitlin slipped in behind him in the background. They all seemed surprised, but relieved, to see him free.

She watched as Iris shouted "Barry!", before running to his arms. 

Caitlin's smile faltered. 

But she was happy for him. He deserved this, to have the love of his life love him back after years. Even if it left a questionable pain in her chest. She slipped her full smile back on again as she dug her icy nails into her fist, but if felt hollow.

Turning around and picking up her back, she headed home. 

⥂♫⥃

Upon coming home, she felt tense and unprepared. When was the next episode going to hit? It had took a load from her to use the frost to lower the temperate nearly 100º, leaving her slightly dizzy and cold. 

Craving heat, she stripped and stepped into a steaming shower. She closed her eyes and rinsed her hair, letting the water ease the tension from her body and take away the chaotic thoughts in her mind.

Turning around to face the shower head, she put her hands until she felt the water no longer coming.

She opened her eyes. 

Ice. It was everywhere. The shower head, the water heater, the nozzle.

Her breath came out white as she panted, closing her eyes once more and willing all of this to go away.

⥂♫⥃

Stepping out, she wrapped herself in a towel and welcomed the cooling feeling of the air outside the shower. She couldn't shake the paranoid feeling, that an episode was coming. She prayed that it wouldn't, but the fact that nothing happened so far was an eerily calm sign.

One that she would not take lightly.

Grabbing a smaller towel, she patted her hair as she walked to the sink.

Raising her eyes to the mirror, her heart stopped and her arms went limp. The hair towel fell down to the floor.

Because what else where you supposed to do when you see a large chunk of your hair white?

 _You shouldn't have done it_ , her mind tutted. But she ignored it, just like she ignored it last time and how she got into this _mess_.

She instantly grabbed the scissors she kept by her sink, lifting it with shaky hands and trying not to cry. She quickly cut it, letting the pale locks fall away from her dark hair. 

The reflection of her in the mirror was not a pleasant one. She looked antsy and pale, and she was two seconds away from breaking down.

The repercussions of her actions were catching up with her.

Taking a closer look, she noticed her lips were a pale blue.

_Blue._

Her heart clenched. She was running out of time.

She had saved Barry. But who was there to save her?

⥂♫⥃

**Author's Note:**

> Does anyone feel like Caitlin is constantly helping Barry and everyone around her and acting like everything is okay and undergoing her suffering alone while barry just worries about iris and their PDA problem?? it made me immensely frustrated that she's there for everyone and being selfless, but no one is there for her. Especially Barry. I'm disappointed in him the most.
> 
> I hope you liked the fic! can't wait for 3x07 "killer frost" my god


End file.
